I Can't Tell You

"I'd like things to go back to the way they were."

"We're friends and this stuff happens amung friends. "

Seriously, fuck my life.

K.V. T-shirt

So that straight girl I talked about in my last post turned out to be not as straight as I thought.

I threw a party tonight (or I guess last night technically) and she showed up. We both got kind of drunk and laid on my bed. At one point I told her I thought she was cute and that I really liked her and that I wanted to kiss her. She let me kiss her. She told me it felt right with me, that she wanted to be with me, but the age difference freaked her out (we're only two years apart). I told her we could have an amazing summer and she agreed.

She leaves for a summer art program in Baltimore on Saturday for all of July. I hope things don't change over the course of a month.

Wow, what a night.

-Suburban Bleach

TV Kiss

It's been awhile. I know. I don't really need this thing anymore. There isn't much I don't want my friends to know about anymore...

Except the girls.

Two to be exact.

One is completely perfect for me but also completely straight. I saw her for the first time since January yesterday and we talked for two and a half hours in our favorite coffee shop. It was so amazing. I don't know another person I can do that with. Why must she be straight?

I invited her and one of her friends to a party a my house and she showed up. I got trashed and tried my hardest not to come on to her. I think I succeeded. I have one more week of spring break. I know nothing will happen with her but maybe we'll have some more amazing conversations.

The other girl is a little more attainable in that she is bisexual and goes to my college. I feel like there is a flirtation and that if I were more outgoing something could happen. Too bad I'm not.

Well that's pretty much all I've got to say.

-Suburban Bleach

I Can't Tell You

So basically the whole JS situation has been resolved. We hung out all weekend and it wasn't awkward at all. I've very happy about that. I didn't want any unresolved drama before I went off the school.

This week is really the final countdown. It's so weird. JR left on Monday, SB left today, CB and JS leave tomorrow, and then on Friday I leave.

I don't think I'll need this journal as much when I'm in college. I only use it to write about situations with my friends from home that can either read my livejournal or hear about my livejournal entries.

But now my livejournal will be used to write about my college life because I'm not going to let my college friends know I have a livejournal.

So basically this thing is going to be defunct for awhile, probably until I get home from school on breaks.

I had a fun run with this journal and it really helped me express myself.

-Suburban Bleach

Is It Okay?

It's been a while since my last update. That is because last week I was on vacation with my dad and stepmom upstate. It was horrible. Pretty much the worst week of the summer.

For the past few days I've been hanging out with people and all we can talk about it college. People have started leaving. It's weird. SM left on Sunday (but she's coming back up since she goes to school in the city) and PW left today. I don't think anyone else leaves until next week. I know SB leaves next Tuesday, and CB leaves around that time too. I leave next Friday... and I really should start packing.

Anyway, I haven't really seen JS for the past two weeks. She and Janet are like a tag team and it's almost impossible to hang out with her without Janet tagging along. And according to CB, JS defends Janet to everyone so yeah I haven't really been dying to hang out with her. But yesterday she sent me a text message saying "We should talk" and I texted back "okay" but she never responded so I dunno if there will end up being any talk before we go away. I think it might be better that way.

-Suburban Bleach

Expected

I hate that I always end up being friends with selfish people who walk all over me. I hate that those friendships always end horribly. First EC, then Tofu, and now Janet.

I should have listened to my friends who were always like "Janet is the most selfish person in the world. She's not very nice." But no, I'd always be like "But she's fun to be around." Until fucking yesterday I was pretty happy with our friendship but then she had to cancel on me the only time I really counted on her. I'm such a fucking altruist and I'm too nice to people. When I want to do something, no one ever comes through even though I'd always be there for them.

I give people money, clothing, food, or whatever with the thought in my head "They'd do the same for me" but it's obviously not true for Janet. She is a selfish bitch and I've finally gotten that through my head. I never want to deal with a person as selfish and uncaring as her again.

-Suburban Bleach

Portrait Of A Cigarette

FT is gone. Right now she's boarding a flight to fucking Nebraska where she'll be finishing up her last year of high school. God, I can't believe it. It really hasn't hit me yet.

Last night was intense. We walked around a lot, shooting the shit, trying not to think about the fact that we might never see her again. At some point everyone met up at the elementary school. FT and I started crying and hugging. She told me that we were her family and we were the reason she was alive. After a few minutes we finally pulled ourselves together and started looking for the big dipper. I found it and told her that whenever she's lonely that she just look at the stars and remember that I'll be looking at those same stars.

Her parents made her go home at 10:30 but she told us she was going to sneak out so the rest of us went to a diner and ordered some drinks to pass the time. At about 11:30 we all met back up at the train station and went to the building that she had tagged. We all went on the roof and FT sprayed our group nickname on it. Her dad called her at some point and she had to go home but she told us that if we waited it out that she would be able to sneak out again.

Those of us who were left decided to go to the football field and we spent hours talking, waiting for FT to text her. She finally contacted us and told us 2 am but when we tried to call her she didn't pick up. We decided to sleep in the cars and wait for her to call back but when I woke up at 4 and there wasn't any call I decided to go home.

This morning she texted me telling me she was sorry and that she fell asleep. God... she's gone.

-Suburban Bleach