I Can't Tell You

"I'd like things to go back to the way they were."

"We're friends and this stuff happens amung friends. "

Seriously, fuck my life.

K.V. T-shirt

So that straight girl I talked about in my last post turned out to be not as straight as I thought.

I threw a party tonight (or I guess last night technically) and she showed up. We both got kind of drunk and laid on my bed. At one point I told her I thought she was cute and that I really liked her and that I wanted to kiss her. She let me kiss her. She told me it felt right with me, that she wanted to be with me, but the age difference freaked her out (we're only two years apart). I told her we could have an amazing summer and she agreed.

She leaves for a summer art program in Baltimore on Saturday for all of July. I hope things don't change over the course of a month.

Wow, what a night.

-Suburban Bleach

TV Kiss

It's been awhile. I know. I don't really need this thing anymore. There isn't much I don't want my friends to know about anymore...

Except the girls.

Two to be exact.

One is completely perfect for me but also completely straight. I saw her for the first time since January yesterday and we talked for two and a half hours in our favorite coffee shop. It was so amazing. I don't know another person I can do that with. Why must she be straight?

I invited her and one of her friends to a party a my house and she showed up. I got trashed and tried my hardest not to come on to her. I think I succeeded. I have one more week of spring break. I know nothing will happen with her but maybe we'll have some more amazing conversations.

The other girl is a little more attainable in that she is bisexual and goes to my college. I feel like there is a flirtation and that if I were more outgoing something could happen. Too bad I'm not.

Well that's pretty much all I've got to say.

-Suburban Bleach

I Can't Tell You

So basically the whole JS situation has been resolved. We hung out all weekend and it wasn't awkward at all. I've very happy about that. I didn't want any unresolved drama before I went off the school.

This week is really the final countdown. It's so weird. JR left on Monday, SB left today, CB and JS leave tomorrow, and then on Friday I leave.

I don't think I'll need this journal as much when I'm in college. I only use it to write about situations with my friends from home that can either read my livejournal or hear about my livejournal entries.

But now my livejournal will be used to write about my college life because I'm not going to let my college friends know I have a livejournal.

So basically this thing is going to be defunct for awhile, probably until I get home from school on breaks.

I had a fun run with this journal and it really helped me express myself.

-Suburban Bleach

Is It Okay?

It's been a while since my last update. That is because last week I was on vacation with my dad and stepmom upstate. It was horrible. Pretty much the worst week of the summer.

For the past few days I've been hanging out with people and all we can talk about it college. People have started leaving. It's weird. SM left on Sunday (but she's coming back up since she goes to school in the city) and PW left today. I don't think anyone else leaves until next week. I know SB leaves next Tuesday, and CB leaves around that time too. I leave next Friday... and I really should start packing.

Anyway, I haven't really seen JS for the past two weeks. She and Janet are like a tag team and it's almost impossible to hang out with her without Janet tagging along. And according to CB, JS defends Janet to everyone so yeah I haven't really been dying to hang out with her. But yesterday she sent me a text message saying "We should talk" and I texted back "okay" but she never responded so I dunno if there will end up being any talk before we go away. I think it might be better that way.

-Suburban Bleach

Expected

I hate that I always end up being friends with selfish people who walk all over me. I hate that those friendships always end horribly. First EC, then Tofu, and now Janet.

I should have listened to my friends who were always like "Janet is the most selfish person in the world. She's not very nice." But no, I'd always be like "But she's fun to be around." Until fucking yesterday I was pretty happy with our friendship but then she had to cancel on me the only time I really counted on her. I'm such a fucking altruist and I'm too nice to people. When I want to do something, no one ever comes through even though I'd always be there for them.

I give people money, clothing, food, or whatever with the thought in my head "They'd do the same for me" but it's obviously not true for Janet. She is a selfish bitch and I've finally gotten that through my head. I never want to deal with a person as selfish and uncaring as her again.

-Suburban Bleach

Portrait Of A Cigarette

FT is gone. Right now she's boarding a flight to fucking Nebraska where she'll be finishing up her last year of high school. God, I can't believe it. It really hasn't hit me yet.

Last night was intense. We walked around a lot, shooting the shit, trying not to think about the fact that we might never see her again. At some point everyone met up at the elementary school. FT and I started crying and hugging. She told me that we were her family and we were the reason she was alive. After a few minutes we finally pulled ourselves together and started looking for the big dipper. I found it and told her that whenever she's lonely that she just look at the stars and remember that I'll be looking at those same stars.

Her parents made her go home at 10:30 but she told us she was going to sneak out so the rest of us went to a diner and ordered some drinks to pass the time. At about 11:30 we all met back up at the train station and went to the building that she had tagged. We all went on the roof and FT sprayed our group nickname on it. Her dad called her at some point and she had to go home but she told us that if we waited it out that she would be able to sneak out again.

Those of us who were left decided to go to the football field and we spent hours talking, waiting for FT to text her. She finally contacted us and told us 2 am but when we tried to call her she didn't pick up. We decided to sleep in the cars and wait for her to call back but when I woke up at 4 and there wasn't any call I decided to go home.

This morning she texted me telling me she was sorry and that she fell asleep. God... she's gone.

-Suburban Bleach

Miller St.

So, yeah, broken computers really suck. I'm so glad my new AC adapter came yesterday or I would probably be going crazy right now. I'm seriously way too addicted to the internet.

These past two weeks haven't been overtly interesting. There has been a lot of drama that I blamed on everyone getting their period but its still around so I guess not. AF kinda hates Janet now because of how she treated NR (AF is like sisters with JR, NR older sister) and doesn't like how strong she is coming on to JS. JS doesn't want to be around Janet as much anymore either because of that and because of some weird livejournal entries that Janet has written that make it seem like she has a chance with JS (which according JS, she doesn't). So yeah, basically everyone hates Janet. It kinda sucks.

Other than that, I threw a sorta lame house party on Friday night because my mom was gone for the weekend. CB got super drunk and started freaking out about her sister (they have a lot of issues to work out) and then tried to steal some of my mom's liquor until she found a half filled beer can so she could get "completly drunk" according to her.

I also met FT's friend GB from Panama. She was really cool. We hung out on Sunday and at like 2:00 am on Monday the three of us went tagging. It was very cool and a lot of fun but it messed up my sleep schedule.

Since Monday I've pretty much been hanging around my house, working, or spending time at the cafe talking/flirting with BP (who I still kinda have a crush on). I'm really just trying to kill time until college. Only one month.

-Suburban Bleach

Toxic Home

I really need this summer to be over. I need to be at school. I need a new experience.

I love my friends and I'm having a great summer but it's basically just a waiting game right now and everything I'm doing is just to make the time go by faster.

Everything is just so frustrating. I wish all my friends got along with each other. I wish there was no stupid drama. I wish that people didn't do stupid shit.

I wish AF didn't drink to the point of blacking out.
I wish Janet didn't flirt with me.
I wish CB wouldn't text me at 2 in the morning.
I wish SB would stop trying so hard and just be herself.
I wish JS was more aware of the people around her.
I wish FT wasn't leaving forever.
I wish RK could stand up for herself.

...

I wish I could tell people what was really on my mind.

-Suburban Bleach

Trouble in the Sky

Fuck, I hate being so emotional. I feeling this way. God why does FT want to fuck up her life? First she gets expelled from the best catholic high school in NYC and then today she was fucking arrested. God, I can't imagine being in AF's place, watching FT be put in handcuffs and escorted by two police officers. I know FT has a short fuse but why would she fuck with cops? Oh god.

I really I hope that I'll see her again but the chances are slim. Her parents already enrolled her in a school in Nebraska and now after this incident, she'll probably be there next week.

Fuck. This summer was supposed to be amazing.

-Suburban Bleach

Faithful Elevator

Ever since Janet and I have becoming closer as friends, I've had this hope that our friendship would turn into something more. For the first time ever I have seen her only as a friend with no desire to be with her. I think this has something to do with the fact that the other day she told me I was one of her best friends. I would never want to compromise our strong friendship for some random physical urges I get once in a while. I guess the whole Janet saga is kind of over.

So yeah, anyway, this summer has been really pointless so far. All I've done is work and hang out with people. The most memorable thing was going to see The Edge of Heaven with JS and Janet. It was really frustrating but good.

Other than that, a bunch of us have been planning a trip to Montreal and tonight we finalized all our plans. I am so psyched. It's gonna be awesome.

-Suburban Bleach

Runaway

The weekend was a lot of fun. All of the graduation parties were really great. At SB's I talked to an ex of mine for the first time in over 2 and a half years. I'm really glad that we're no longer on bad terms. I never wanted to be on bad terms with her (or the other girl I dated).

So yeah, um I also realized I'm really fickle and I crush on a new girl, like, every other week. The crush of the moment is BP, a sophomore girl who I have lusted over since she was a freshman. I told her that at SB's party and she was very flattered. She told me she was kind of confused about her sexuality and doesn't know if she likes boy or girls. Both today and yesterday we've run into each other at a cafe we both frequent and spent a lot of time talking. I enjoy talking to her a lot and I hope we actually make plans to hang out sometime. She's supercute, funny, and intelligent. Totally a perfect catch if she were sure of her sexual orientation (plus she prefers me to Janet (unlike every other girl in her grade) because I'm less aggressive).

So yeah, in Janet news, um, I still get kind of depressed when I see her and FT cuddle together or kiss or anything. It may because I wish I had someone to do that with or that I still have unresolved feelings for Janet. Truthfully I'm not sure. I think I'll always have a place in my heart for her because she's so unattainable.

Ugh... I really need to get out of this town and go off to college. Hopefully I'll meet a nice girl there.

-Suburban Bleach

On the Tracks

I leave for the senior breakfast in 10 minutes.. and in 12 hours I'll officially no longer be a high school student. I can't believe this moment has finally come.

Anyway, I've been having a lot of fun for the past week. There has been a lot of nudity (nonsexual of course), frank discussions of sex/masturbation, inappropriate touching, and Janet saying really inappropriate things to everyone.

There has also been a lot of good clean fun too. On Wednesday, a bunch of us went to the zoo and on Tuesday I took JS to see Lemuria and The Ergs play at the Knitting Factory. I had an amazing time. She, on the other hand, not really. But I sat through that weird danish music for her. At some point last week, a bunch of us chipped in on a puzzle and we still haven't finished it.

This weekend will be fun. I have a bunch of parties to go to and I don't have to go to work all weekend. Woo!

- Suburban Bleach

Fixing Rubble, Building Us

Oh man. So much has happened in the past week.

First off, there was drama between me and Janet about FT. I basically admitted to everyone that I'm crushing on FT and despite knowing that Janet started aggressively flirting with her and it made me feel pretty shitty. We haven't really talked about it much since Janet is in Florida right now but I've decided I'm not mad at her anymore. I just don't think we'll be as close as we were before. 

Prom was on Thursday and that was a blast. I danced the whole night with KG, PH, and RK. There was some slight prama though because CB drunk dialed me during the night (she and AF decided not to go) and made a big stink over SB going to Cape Cod for after prom with us. Everything was settled by the end of the dance because SB decided not to go because she realized there was a lot of shit going on because of her being invited. 

After that big hubaloo, AF, JS, CB, RK, and I left for Cape Cod on Friday afternoon but not until after I found out that CB was almost hospitalized the night before for alcohol poisoning but it turned out that she was just really drunk. According to AF, it was pretty intense.

Cape Cod was pretty awesome. We went to Provincetown on Saturday but I got kind of ill and fell asleep on a beach while the rest of my friends went shopping. After that we went to the drive in movie theater and saw Kung Fu Panda. It was not very good. We went swimming in the lake by the house we stayed in on Sunday and left later that day.

Monday was the senior trip and we went to Dorney Park. I had a lot of fun but CB got a little freaked out because she found out that JS told SB about what happened on Thursday night. SB has a bit of a reputation for spreading things around and CB really does not want the entire school knowing that she got completely shit faced the night of prom and was almost sent to the hospital. Besides that the day was pretty uneventful. I went on a few roller coasters (which is very impressive for me since I'm such a pussy about stuff like that). 

The rest of the week has been pretty uneventful but I super stressed because I have a project due tomorrow and another due on Friday and then on Tuesday I have my pre-calc final and I have no clue how I'm going to pass it. Oh well. As long as I don't get rescinded I'll be happy.

-Suburban Bleach

Broken to Blue

A lot of interesting things happened this weekend. The first was that Janet admitted to AF and I that she was hooking up JR's little sister, NR. On Saturday a bunch of us hung out and NR came by at one point and I really don't understand how they don't consider themselves to be in a relationship. They were acting all couple-y and making out a lot. It made all of us pretty uncomfortable. But atleast I know now that Janet was just fucking with me all that time.

The second interesting thing that happened this weekend was when both AF and RK told me they thought I was in love with Tofu and the reason I had such an intense reaction to our friendship ending was because it was actually heartbreak. I'm not sure about it. We had a very intense friendship and there were times where I felt like something would happen but I don't think I was in love with her as much as a I loved her as a friend. Whatever, I officially cut her out of my life on Friday. I unadded her on livejournal.

The last (but not least in any way) interesting thing that happened this weekend was that I found myself extremely attracted to FT. She's just so adorable and she's the only person who is willing to have a two person mosh pit in the middle of a parking lot. Erk, I dunno. Janet also finds her attractive and we're basically competing for her now. Maybe something will happen at Gay Prom? I dunno.

So yeah, a lot of shit went down plus I busted my need up pretty badly and I can't walk very easily. Awesome. Not.

-Suburban Bleach

The Kill Fix

Yesterday, my suspicion that Janet was attracted to me was confirmed. AF told me that she had told her and RK the other day.

I basically hung out with Janet the entire day along with AF, RK, JS, and FT and again she was super physical with me. At one point she kissed my finger and I asked her why she did it and she said "I really want to kiss you" really quietly so only I could hear her. Nothing happened though. This is kind of frustrating...

Oh and I think I saw an ex of mine for the first time in a year and a half but I'm not sure.

-Suburban Bleach

Antiseptic

The whole Janet situation is kind of really confusing me. We flirt constantly and always joke about hooking up but whenever it seems like something is going to happen, she leaves. Maybe I'm reading the situation completely wrong and she's just being friendly. I thought for a while that I was totally over her but obviously not since I would hook up with her in a second if I had the chance.

So yeah, in other friend related news, SB has decided that AF, RK, JS, CB, and I are exclusive and is mad at us. It's so ridiculous. We always invite her to hang out but she is either with her other friends or her sister. It's not like we're not going to hang out because she has other plans. It's so bratty of her to even think that we are doing anything wrong by having a good time without her when she is probably doing the same. Urgh.

Onto a different topic...

I don't really like writing about my drug experiences because I fear that a college might look at this or something but last night and the night before CB and I tried a mixture of weed and sal and it was pretty much the most amazing thing the first night and the freakiest thing the second night. I really really want to try Sal by itself because I don't feel like my trip was that intense either time and I really want to have a mind blowing experience.

I really need to fall asleep. Those espresso shots at 10 pm were not a good ideal.

-Suburban Bleach

This Room's Regular

My computer broke. Awesome, not really. I always forget how addicted to the internet I am until I don't have a computer to use for five days in a row. Hopefully it'll be fixed by next week so I can have my next fix.

So, anyway, life has been pretty weird lately. On Saturday I saw Janet for the first time in a few months and that was pretty cool except for the part where she straddled me and almost kissed me. I really don't understand her. Does she want to hook up with me or just fuck with my head?

Later that night, CB invited JS, AF, MW, PW, and I to her neighbor's house party. It was really weird. We got there first and had a bunch of fun playing Beirut and dancing around and then all of these jocky guys who showed up and it got awkward. Especially when AF drunkenly admitted to still having feelings for her ex boyfriend and MW hooked up with this random guy who was in her graduating class.

So yeah maybe no more house parties for me. Especially since I become the responsible one and spend the entire party running around the house checking on all my friends to make she that they haven't passed out or hooked up with anyone.

-Suburban Bleach

Rooftop Empathy

Wow, its been two weeks since my last post. Not much has changed except that I'm completely done with APs forever. Thank god. All the stress associated with them is really not worth it.

Anyway, I'm officially going to the school Maine because according to my mom, L&C is not taking anyone off the wait list this year. Oh well. I bet I'll love the other school just as much.

I really can't wait for prom/the senior trip/GRADUATION. I have been in this town for way too long and it's really wearing me down.

This summer should be awesome. I can't wait.

-Suburban Bleach

Never Ending Always

Holy crap! It's May. How is that possible? This year has really flown by. I can't believe it. Next week is APs, then in two weeks my brother graduates from college (that is so freaky). After that its prom (thank god I finally got myself a prom dress) and finally I graduate from high school and leave my shitty little town.

The whole wait list business is killing me. I really really want to go to L&C but I'm getting super anxious. Everyday I come home waiting for the phone to ring, hoping its them. If it doesn't work out I always have COA. I visited it over spring break and I remember exactly what I loved about it in the first place. I will not be disappointed if I go there but I'm kind of scared that I'll get super bored living in Bar Harbor. Having NYC so close has spoiled me.

I really have nothing else to comment on because college stuff has been all consuming recently. I can't wait until graduation. Only one month and 26 days!

-Suburban Bleach