I Can't Tell You

So basically the whole JS situation has been resolved. We hung out all weekend and it wasn't awkward at all. I've very happy about that. I didn't want any unresolved drama before I went off the school.

This week is really the final countdown. It's so weird. JR left on Monday, SB left today, CB and JS leave tomorrow, and then on Friday I leave.

I don't think I'll need this journal as much when I'm in college. I only use it to write about situations with my friends from home that can either read my livejournal or hear about my livejournal entries.

But now my livejournal will be used to write about my college life because I'm not going to let my college friends know I have a livejournal.

So basically this thing is going to be defunct for awhile, probably until I get home from school on breaks.

I had a fun run with this journal and it really helped me express myself.

-Suburban Bleach

Is It Okay?

It's been a while since my last update. That is because last week I was on vacation with my dad and stepmom upstate. It was horrible. Pretty much the worst week of the summer.

For the past few days I've been hanging out with people and all we can talk about it college. People have started leaving. It's weird. SM left on Sunday (but she's coming back up since she goes to school in the city) and PW left today. I don't think anyone else leaves until next week. I know SB leaves next Tuesday, and CB leaves around that time too. I leave next Friday... and I really should start packing.

Anyway, I haven't really seen JS for the past two weeks. She and Janet are like a tag team and it's almost impossible to hang out with her without Janet tagging along. And according to CB, JS defends Janet to everyone so yeah I haven't really been dying to hang out with her. But yesterday she sent me a text message saying "We should talk" and I texted back "okay" but she never responded so I dunno if there will end up being any talk before we go away. I think it might be better that way.

-Suburban Bleach

Expected

I hate that I always end up being friends with selfish people who walk all over me. I hate that those friendships always end horribly. First EC, then Tofu, and now Janet.

I should have listened to my friends who were always like "Janet is the most selfish person in the world. She's not very nice." But no, I'd always be like "But she's fun to be around." Until fucking yesterday I was pretty happy with our friendship but then she had to cancel on me the only time I really counted on her. I'm such a fucking altruist and I'm too nice to people. When I want to do something, no one ever comes through even though I'd always be there for them.

I give people money, clothing, food, or whatever with the thought in my head "They'd do the same for me" but it's obviously not true for Janet. She is a selfish bitch and I've finally gotten that through my head. I never want to deal with a person as selfish and uncaring as her again.

-Suburban Bleach

Portrait Of A Cigarette

FT is gone. Right now she's boarding a flight to fucking Nebraska where she'll be finishing up her last year of high school. God, I can't believe it. It really hasn't hit me yet.

Last night was intense. We walked around a lot, shooting the shit, trying not to think about the fact that we might never see her again. At some point everyone met up at the elementary school. FT and I started crying and hugging. She told me that we were her family and we were the reason she was alive. After a few minutes we finally pulled ourselves together and started looking for the big dipper. I found it and told her that whenever she's lonely that she just look at the stars and remember that I'll be looking at those same stars.

Her parents made her go home at 10:30 but she told us she was going to sneak out so the rest of us went to a diner and ordered some drinks to pass the time. At about 11:30 we all met back up at the train station and went to the building that she had tagged. We all went on the roof and FT sprayed our group nickname on it. Her dad called her at some point and she had to go home but she told us that if we waited it out that she would be able to sneak out again.

Those of us who were left decided to go to the football field and we spent hours talking, waiting for FT to text her. She finally contacted us and told us 2 am but when we tried to call her she didn't pick up. We decided to sleep in the cars and wait for her to call back but when I woke up at 4 and there wasn't any call I decided to go home.

This morning she texted me telling me she was sorry and that she fell asleep. God... she's gone.

-Suburban Bleach

Miller St.

So, yeah, broken computers really suck. I'm so glad my new AC adapter came yesterday or I would probably be going crazy right now. I'm seriously way too addicted to the internet.

These past two weeks haven't been overtly interesting. There has been a lot of drama that I blamed on everyone getting their period but its still around so I guess not. AF kinda hates Janet now because of how she treated NR (AF is like sisters with JR, NR older sister) and doesn't like how strong she is coming on to JS. JS doesn't want to be around Janet as much anymore either because of that and because of some weird livejournal entries that Janet has written that make it seem like she has a chance with JS (which according JS, she doesn't). So yeah, basically everyone hates Janet. It kinda sucks.

Other than that, I threw a sorta lame house party on Friday night because my mom was gone for the weekend. CB got super drunk and started freaking out about her sister (they have a lot of issues to work out) and then tried to steal some of my mom's liquor until she found a half filled beer can so she could get "completly drunk" according to her.

I also met FT's friend GB from Panama. She was really cool. We hung out on Sunday and at like 2:00 am on Monday the three of us went tagging. It was very cool and a lot of fun but it messed up my sleep schedule.

Since Monday I've pretty much been hanging around my house, working, or spending time at the cafe talking/flirting with BP (who I still kinda have a crush on). I'm really just trying to kill time until college. Only one month.

-Suburban Bleach

Toxic Home

I really need this summer to be over. I need to be at school. I need a new experience.

I love my friends and I'm having a great summer but it's basically just a waiting game right now and everything I'm doing is just to make the time go by faster.

Everything is just so frustrating. I wish all my friends got along with each other. I wish there was no stupid drama. I wish that people didn't do stupid shit.

I wish AF didn't drink to the point of blacking out.
I wish Janet didn't flirt with me.
I wish CB wouldn't text me at 2 in the morning.
I wish SB would stop trying so hard and just be herself.
I wish JS was more aware of the people around her.
I wish FT wasn't leaving forever.
I wish RK could stand up for herself.

...

I wish I could tell people what was really on my mind.

-Suburban Bleach

Trouble in the Sky

Fuck, I hate being so emotional. I feeling this way. God why does FT want to fuck up her life? First she gets expelled from the best catholic high school in NYC and then today she was fucking arrested. God, I can't imagine being in AF's place, watching FT be put in handcuffs and escorted by two police officers. I know FT has a short fuse but why would she fuck with cops? Oh god.

I really I hope that I'll see her again but the chances are slim. Her parents already enrolled her in a school in Nebraska and now after this incident, she'll probably be there next week.

Fuck. This summer was supposed to be amazing.

-Suburban Bleach